misslexi

The Ballad of RossBob

maymay1588, TeofaTsavo 

This is RossBob. Born in the Imperial City of Cyrodiil the 171st year of the Fourth Era, his mother and father described his birth as a “happy little accident”. He lived under the name of Arlowe Olcinius, until he deemed it unworthy of himself and adapted RossBob as a pseudo name at the age of 26. His sister too followed suit and used RoseBob as her own pseudo name, but RossBob doesn’t like to bring her up. Ever. From there on, he completely abandoned his old life to pursue his dreams of becoming the greatest artist in all of Tamriel. More accurately, he wished to. After one year of trying to make a living selling his artwork, his allowance septims ran out, so he had to temporarily return to his old life for more financial assistance. Knowing his son’s unacknowledged greatness needed to be supported, his parents managed to bribe a prestigious art college to accept his enrollment. In reality, they just wanted him out of the house’s basement. He was too old for that.

The art college was both an exciting and strenuous time in RossBob’s life. After a full 2 semesters of hard partying and passing his group work off to his other classmates, RossBob successfully flunked out of art school. It did not matter. Within the first five minutes of his initial lessons, RossBob knew he had learned all there is to know about art, and how to direct his gaggle of dewy-eyed groupies into attacking anyone criticizing his Art.

His posse consisted of other enlightened, like-minded individuals. To the left is Auden, a Nord that identifies himself as a Khajiit, and goes by the name of Ja’bah. He likes to spend his free time playing 3 cords on his lute while following Khajiit caravans. When there are no caravans, he runs around throwing paint on the locals wearing animal hide. He goes through a lot of paint. In the middle is Grobbi, a progressive, independent Nord woman that wants to break away from the bonds of her brethren’s traditions. She spends most of her time out of class yelling at male Nords for their treatment of women in Skyrim. However, since she is a woman, no one listens. To the right is Valeone, who will only wear dark clothing after the ‘incident’. Valeone used to be a bright, happy child, until her sixteenth birthday when her parents gave her a pre-owned horse. She hasn’t recovered or been the same ever since, and uses skooma heavily to fill the void left in her life.

With his newfound grasp of art, RossBob wasted no time creating his new and improved masterpieces, making liberal use of his ‘Happy Boobies” and “Happy Cheekies” brushes. They mainly consisted of his idealized version of scantily clad waifu as a muse for his artistic juices… Worded appropriately.

Much to his dismay, many did not approve of his portrayal of young, generously endowed girls, and he faced harsh criticism about himself and more importantly, his Art.

They explained nothing about him was original. His Art was a copy of other’s work, his style was a cheap imitation of someone else, and even his name and backstory were unoriginal. Instead of discussing the issues they had with his work like an adult or accepting any form of criticism with the praise to help him improve, he instead screamed out at the top of his lungs proclaiming they are all deplorable haters, and he retreated back into his safe space. According to RossBob, the louder you are, the more right you are.

Alone in his seclusion, RossBob poured his thoughts and tears into his diary, cursing how unfair the world is. Many of those hours involved consulting with his thesaurus and dictionary to include bigger, more intelligent words in his writing. Most of the time, he still used the words incorrectly. This would make sense, considering the only book he understood well was the Lusty Argonian Maid. To him, it was simply visionary.

Despite the hate, RossBob eventually returned to his Art. If the haters were gonna hate, he would just simply report them to the guards, and have them banned from the art gallery for their insolence. In his time of isolation, he also realized if he gave positive reviews to the other popular artists, he would win their favor and their supporters would become his, like some sort of ‘one hand washes the other’. Swallowing his pride for the sake of his Art, he spent many nights writing letters of empty words to the major players of the art world, gaining him both their support and fans.

He simply wrapped his swollen, carpal-tunnel afflicted hand – swollen from the repeated checking off of “like” boxes on his peers works- in ice, nightly. ( Post-processed ‘tears’) He even joined in with their art events and weekly showcase themes. His Art series dubbed, “What u Lookin at”, became incredibly popular as a result. With his new alliances formed, along with the guards supporting him, the haters faded into obscurity. He had done it; RossBob became a real artist. Raw talent, skill, and originality wasn’t the key; it was his brown-shaded nose and “interpretations” of others work all along.

Now, you are probably wondering, “How is this a ballad? There is nothing poetic about this – moron with a new mustache!”. Well, RossBob would argue otherwise, and RossBob is never wrong.

Skyrim “Romance” Mod – Part 1. ‘The Graphic Novella – Bring Your Own Barf Bag’

“So, explain to me again why we are heading to Riverwood of all places?” – Othor “We need a tracker, remember?” – Oona “Yeah, I remember. That doesn’t explain why we need one from that shithole. Even the ale there is trash. You’d think they made it with stagnant pond water.” – Othor

“That is where we will find a tracker recommended to me by some friends. Besides, last time you tracked for us, we walked right into a werewolf den.” – Oona “Don’t start that with me again! You know damn well that is where our meal went.” – Othor “A decent tracker would have noticed the werewolf tracks sooner.” – Oona “Maybe I did. Maybe I was hoping one of them would make you into a snack, so I’d be rid of that mouth of yours finally.” – Othor “Oh, sure you did…. I recall you sobbing, “Oona, baby sister! Are you alright!” – Oona “I wasn’t sobbing you…!” – Othor “You aren’t fooling me. Admit it, you didn’t notice them.” – Oona “Find your damn tracker, and shut the hell up already.” – Othor

“Well, I think that is our guy.” – Oona “Where? That scrawny runt over there that wouldn’t even make for a decent toothpick?” – Othor “Try to play nice, please.” – Oona

“Hi there, Ketchup! I’m Oona, Dragonborn, and destroyer of many things that are now very dead. I got word you are a tracker. My brother and I could use some…” – Oona “Listen, my name is Bishop. Whatever you are about to say, Princess, the answer is no, unless you help me out first. Got it? That’s how this game works, right?” – Ketchup

“It’s Oona. I get it though, names can be hard when you are a complete dumbass. So, I’d be willing to help, but you are going to need to explain it in a way that doesn’t make me punch you or piss off my brother.” – Oona

“A bit late for that; I was pissed before we got here. How about we find a nice fire to toss him in, and see how long this toothpick can keep it going? No doubt longer than he can last with a woman.” – Othor

“No, I can handle this, Othor.” – Oona “I’ll forget you called me a dumbass for a moment to say I need help finding my wolf, Karnwyr. Think you can handle that, Princess?” – Ketchup “Let me guess, Dumbass, it ran away from you.” – Oona “No, HE was taken from me!” – Ketchup “I bet. No way that charming lack of personality of yours chased him off.” – Oona “Cute, real cute.” – Ketchup

“Oona! Stop flirting, and let’s get going. I need to drown myself in this trash ale quick before I kill everything within a mile radius of here.” – Othor “Gross! Don’t even joke like that!” – Oona

*Awhile later* “For fuck’s sake, why did I let you talk me into actually helping him?” – Othor “I already told you, we are helping the dog, not him. That’s why I agreed.” – Oona “You and your bleeding heart for stupid animals. I swear I wonder how I’m related to you at times.” – Othor “Sure, Mr. tough guy. You love Lola as much as I do. You even took an arrow for her before.” – Oona “I’d take a thousand arrows over listening to this little prick whine about, “overgrown lizards,” ever again.” – Othor

“Well, his trail leads here. We’re close.” – Ketchup “Good, let’s get this over with already. You find your dumb mutt, and we’ll clear this place out.” – Othor

“He’s no mutt, he’s a pure-blooded wolf!” – Ketchup “I don’t give a shit!” – Othor “Quiet, both of you. We have company just ahead.” – Oona

NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME HERE!” – Soon to be fried bandit

“No, no, enough of that. Just hurry up and die already.” – Othor

“UGHGHHHH!” – Well done bandit

“There are more up ahead. Did Ketchup find the dog yet?” – Oona

“Fuck, that asshole found me… I mean… Woof!” – Karnwyr “Oh My Divines, he’s adorable!” – Oona “Oona, focus damnit!” – Othor

“No wonder this little prick needed our help. Haven’t seen him lift a finger since we got here. Wait, is he aiming his bow at his mutt!?” – Othor

“Ignore him, and just keep burning stuff!” – Oona

“There, everything is dead and the mutt is safe… I think. Can we pack up the loot and go?” – Othor

“Yeah, you ready, Ketchup?” – Oona “Who cares if he is or not. We’re leaving without him.” – Othor “We can’t leave without our tracker.” – Oona “You aren’t serious, he’s useless! You really need better friends. No real friend would suggest this guy to you.” – Othor “As a fighter, it is really sad to watch, but he was able to track his dog here at least. That’s what we need him for.” – Oona “You just want him to stick around for the mutt!” – Othor “No-no…”– Oona “Oona, you already have a dog!” – Othor

*On the road again* “It is great to have Karnwyr back. Did you miss me boy?” – Ketchup *Whimpering noises in disagreement* “Yeah, I missed you too, buddy.” – Ketchup

“Hey look, some Forsworn. Is this supposed to be an ambush?” – Oona “If so, this is the most pitiful attempt yet. We already have them surrounded.” – Othor “You are either brave or foolish to approach us without your weapon drawn. I am Ca-el, a chieftain of the Forsworn.” – Kale “And I should care why, Kale?” – Oona “It’s Ca-el.” – Kale “Okay, Kale.” – Oona

*Hours later of rambling* “By the nines… This guy is still talking. Is he a woman? I thought they’d be off fucking a hagraven or whatever weird shit Forsworn do by now.” – Othor “Is that a problem? You know, my sister planned to seduce a blonde Nord for us to kill. Perhaps if you are bored, we could entertain you with that.” – Kale “Try it, twerp.” – Othor “Don’t lump us with him. Not even women can talk this much, bro.” – Oona

“Sorry. I seem to have bored you. I thought ladies liked deep, emotional men that spilled out their heart in a sappy, pathetic manner.” – Kale

“Nope. No sane woman would be into that, and you are about as deep as my dog’s food bowl.” – Oona “Not a good comparison. She eats a lot.” – Othor “Then here, take this necklace as an apology. It is from my village, and carries a lot of sentimental value to me. However, hot chicks are my one weakness, so I want you to have it.” – Kale

“Wow… Thanks, Kale! I’ll be sure to sell it at the dankest, foulest tavern I can find.” – Oona “So, now we kill them?” – Othor “Now we kill them.” – Oona *Proceeds to shout forsworn bodies into the nearby river*

“Finally, a tavern! Now, let’s see how much this crappy necklace is worth.” – Oona “I can already tell you not enough.” – Othor “Hey look, Stenvar is still here. How’s it been going?” – Oona “Dragonborn, trust me. Get out of here while you can. They got a new bard, and he’s beyond awful. I’m pounding these drinks down, and getting the hell out.” – Stenvar “Oh, he couldn’t be as bad as that one Orc at Moorside Inn.” – Oona

“Hey, Sten. I’m gonna join you for that.” – Othor “Are you all mad!? You’re just gonna trust those OVERGROWN LIZZZZARRDS!” – Ketchup “Sure, but who’s that crazy bastard with you?” – Stenvar “The reason I’m joining you for drinks. I’m gonna run this place dry.” – Othor

“I guess this is the new bard. He looks…fancy.” – Oona *Proceeds to make a speech out of the Dragonborn song, and ends with cringe statements towards Oona*

“Why did I let curiosity get the best of me. I should have listened to Stenvar. I can’t hold it….”– Oona *Projectile vomits everywhere*

“My beautiful clothes! You ruined them and my magnificent song!” – Kayne “That wasn’t anything close to singing, and you ruined my appetite for the next year!” – Oona “How dare you! I have a voice gifted by the divines, and a lyrical genius!” – Kayne “More like a voice gifted by Sheogorath as a cruel and unusual joke! However, I’m not laughing!” – Oona “I expect you to come to my show, or I’m going to make you pay for my outfit, and sue you for emotional damage!” – Kayne “Damnit! I hate courts!” – Oona

“Oona, still puking, are ya?” – Othor

“Yep!” – Oona “Gah, don’t let that mutt eat it!” – Othor

If you are puking now, how do you expect to make through this show?” – Othor “I’ll deal with it. I’m not paying those ridiculous court fees, and he seems like a big enough bitch to actually go through with it.” – Oona

“Considering he ran out of the tavern crying, probably. He should feel lucky. Not just anyone walks away from a shout that nasty from my little sis.” – Othor “Go to Oblivion, Othor.” – Oona

“Ketchup, are you ready to get this show over with too?” – Oona “I can’t believe it. Everyone, and I mean everyone is conspiring to trust those OVERGROWN LIZZARRRDS!” – Ketchup “He’s still a basket case. Shocking…” – Oona

“Talos, Divines, help me survive. I’ll need all of your strength to make it through this.” – Oona “Sorry, kid. You’re on your own. None of us are sticking around to hear this crap. Pray to some other deity. Talos out!” – Talos “Damn, even the divines forsake me now. I’m really screwed.” – Oona

“No, I can do this without them. I’m the Dragonborn and I will defeat him just as I do every other enemy I face. At the end of the day, he’s just a pansy ass, boot licking scumbag.” – Oona “You’ve got this and I love you.” – Karnwyr

“Hello, peasants. I’m not going to bother thanking you all for showing up to watch my performance, totally not against anyone’s will at all. I’m mean, I’m so great, who wouldn’t want to be here? So, I’d rather hear you all say how much you are thankful to bear witness to my art.” – Kayne

“Eat a dick, you skeever twat.” – Oona

I’m here, because the scripts force me to. Quick, someone disable me!” – Random NPC 1 “BY THE NINE DIVINES!” – Random NPC 2 “STENDAR HAVE MERCY!” – Random NPC 3 “Ahem, I guess I will just get started.” – Kayne

*Pitchy, ungodly wailing from the depths of darkest regions of Coldharbour pierces the room like the sudden spawning of thousands of cliff racers* “HELP, HELP! MY EARS ARE BEING ATTACKED!” – Random NPC 4 “STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! YOU VIOLATED MY EAR DRUMS!” – Guard “DRAGONBORN! I LOVE YOU! ONLY YOU CAN SAVE MEEEEEEEE!!!!” – Kayne “What the actual fuck? Running bare ass naked through Oblivion wouldn’t be as horrifying as this shit. This evil needs to be destroyed, before the Thalmor weaponize him.” – Othor

“Finally, and good riddance. Really love what you did with his entrails, Othor. Looks lovely with all these tacky, bright red curtains.” – Oona “Ha! Maybe interior design is my calling, though Ulfric sure doesn’t seem to think so. Man, he can be such an overgrown baby. It was only a few pints of blood thrown everywhere.” – Othor

“Anything you want to add to that, Ketchup?” – Oona “OVERGROWN LIZZZARRRDS!!!!!!” – Ketchup “Yep, thought so.” – Oona

Skyrim “Romance” Mod – Part 2. ‘Dancing With The Stupid’

“Is that mutt of yours gonna live? Looks like it’s been at death’s door ever since that Bard started screeching in Windhelm.” – Othor

“Forget Karnwyr! When’s your sister gonna stop puking all over me!” – Ketchup

“Who knows, who cares. You should feel lucky I find it amusing enough to let you live for hitting on her all the way here. Otherwise, an overgrown lizard might be puking you up at this very moment instead.” – Othor

“Curse those OVERGROWN LIZZARDS! Great, I have them to worry about, I’m covered in vomit, and now he is here to make my day even worse!” – Ketchup “He who?” – Oona

“M’lady.” – Caviar “Yes? You want something?” – Oona “M’lady…. M’lady, m’lady….m’lady. M’lady.” – Caviar

“Is this guy serious? Who’d you get your skooma from, pal, because I’d ask for a refund.” – Oona “No, that is just how he is. Allow me to translate, Princess. I’m fluent in cringe speech.” – Ketchup “Yes, of course you are.” – Oona

“His name is Casavir, and he wants you to go to the ball with him. All expenses paid.” – Ketchup “M’lady, m’lady.” – Caviar “He said, “I’m rich, you know”.” – Ketchup “Okay, is there anything else Caviar had to say before I immediately proceed to go far away from him?” – Oona “Also, he’s an uptight, sensitive virgin, so to please be gentle.” – Ketchup

*Projectile vomits on Caviar* “M’-M’LADY!” – Caviar

“If I ever see you again, I’ll cut you up and feed you to the slaughter fish…if they could even stand to deal with you.” – Oona

“Hold on a sec, sis. If you play this smart, we might can come out on top.” – Othor “What are you getting at?” – Oona “He’s rich and he’s stupid. I’d call that an easy target.” – Othor “You’re not actually suggesting I should…” – Oona “Like I said, easy target means easy money.” – Othor

“You just want to see me suffer, don’t you?” – Oona “Don’t mind that. I’m just sayin’ this is a good opportunity to make some quick money, while keeping the guards off our asses. We could always use more bribe money, and we’re broke from paying off the guards in Windhelm. Although, can’t say that kill wasn’t worth ever septim.” – Othor

“I can’t believe I agreed to do this. It better pay off in the end.” – Oona

“This seems to be the store. Overpriced, gaudy vanilla crap as far as the eyes can see.” – Oona

“Hm, all these unguarded trinkets laying around in plain sight. Would be a shame if someone were to take it.” – Oona

“Oh no. It seems it slipped into my pocket. What a compete accident.” – Oona “I saw nothing.” – Othor

“Welcome, Dragonborn. See anything to your liking? Your sugar daddy said you could take whatever you’d like from this store. I’ll be assisting you with your dress for the occasion.” – Ribbon Clerk “No thanks, I’ll pass. From the looks of it, you don’t seem to have a clue what you are doing.” – Oona

“Yes, the clothing I create requires a particular taste you have yet to acquire from all that armor you wear. If you would try on my dresses, you’ll come around and understand what a true masterpiece is.” – Ribbon Clerk “By ‘particular taste’, you mean bad taste in other words.” – Oona “Excuse me, sir. Are you looking for a suit?” – Tailor “Does it look like I’m here to play dress up, ya fucking moron?” – Othor

“Wait, this is a dress? This is what you’re selling to people? I’ve worn burlap sacks that were more flattering and had better fabric textures.” – Oona *Whimpers in agony* – Karnwyr “At least you’re color blind. This lavender crap is just as bad as everything else about it!” – Oona “Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! In case you’re wondering, that dress does make your ass look as big as a horker!” – Othor

“Fuck off, Othor. There is no way in Oblivion I’m gonna wear this!” – Oona

“There, personal wardrobe for the win.” – Oona “You look sexy as shit.” – Ketchup “You’re gonna look dead as shit if you don’t shut your mouth. Ugh, I need a drink.” – Oona

“Give me the strongest thing you sell here.” – Oona “Going to the party near the palace I take it. I’m sure they have free drinks for you there.” – Corpulus

“Yeah, watered down wine. I don’t want to remember this snoozefest tonight, got me?” – Oona “Yeah, I’ve got you.” – Corpulus

“I’m here, Caviar. Let’s get this over with… Fuck my life…” – Oona “Holy shit! The Dragonborn actually showed up?” – Party goer 1

“What is she wearing? That wasn’t for sale at the store! Not fair, I just had a choice of ugly, low res garbage! My ass looks hideous!” – Party goer 2 “Ew, and she came here with that hairless, baby faced, fedora tipping neckbeard.” – Party goer 3 “M’lady! Mmmm’lady.” – Caviar “I’ll assume you didn’t say something that would make me want to stab you more than I already do.” – Oona

“Wow… What realm of Oblivion did I just walk into?” – Oona

“Holy fuck this is worse than I thought. Thank the divines I’m blind in one eye. Wouldn’t want to feel the full effect of this sensory hell.” – Othor

“You there! You can’t attend this ball dressed like that.” – Guard “Who says so? You? Well then, do something about it, I dare you.” – Othor

“Sir, it’s an eyesore to the guests.” – Guard “What are you blabberin’ on about? This entire room is an eyesore!” – Othor “I…can’t argue with that.” – Guard

“Is this supposed to be the achy breaky wrist dance?” – Oona

“What, is this made out of playdough!?” – Oona

“Cheap, tacky chandeliers that match the cheap, tacky drapes. Perfect…” – Oona

“And… purple fucking candles? Bleh! This couldn’t get any worse…” – Oona

“No…no… What is that? Is that a chair? Look at it! Just look at it! That normal map is flatter than Kale’s personality, and why the fuck is it shiny!” – Oona

*Pukes again* “M’lady?” – Caviar “I’m about to join ya, sis. At this point, if they smeared dog shit all over this room, it would be an improvement.” – Othor

“Not to mention, this party is as lame and boring as they get.” – Othor

“You’re right. No one is interesting, and everyone acts like reanimated corpses. Do people seriously find this fun? I’d rather be on a fetch quest right now.” – Oona “M’lady, m’lady. M’lady?” – Caviar “What does he want now?” – Oona

“I think he wants you to dance with him.” – Othor “What, you speak cringe now too?” – Oona “For fuck’s sake no. It’s just what all these other milk drinkers are doing right now.” – Othor “Fine, Caviar. I’ll dance with you.” – Oona “M’lady!” – Caviar

“Go on ahead, I’ll be right behind you.” – Oona

“Ha, got his wallet. That a sap…” – Oona

“Wait, bro, are you sitting on that vile piece of furniture?” – Oona “Yeah. It’s more comfortable than it looks.” – Othor “Sure, right… You look good sitting on it. It suits you.” – Oona “Bite me. Now, don’t you have some dickless wonder you wanted to dance with?” – Othor

“Wanted? Real funny. Nope, gonna make a fool out of him and rob him while doing it.” – Oona “How so? Looks like he has you beat on the fool part.” – Othor

“Karnwyr is here, so that means…” – Oona

“Bingo. Those two hate each other for whatever dumb reason. I didn’t bother listening to their bitch fight that went on forever.” – Oona

“Hey, Ketchup, wanna piss off Caviar?” – Oona “What about the OVERGROWN LIZZZZARDS!” – Ketchup “Yeah, yeah, it’ll piss them off too.” – Oona “Good, you can’t trust them!” – Ketchup

“Sorry it took so long! I’m here Caviar…. Hurry it up, Ketchup…” – Oona “M’lady.” – Caviar

“Oh, how unfortunate! It seems Ketchup got here first.” – Oona *Stares on smiling like a total rapey creepo* – Caviar “Take that OVERGROWN LIZZZARDS!” – Ketchup

“You get everything?” – Othor “You bet, and he gave me a stupid rose worth a 1,000 septims. We’ll be good on bribe money for awhile. That neckbeard already bailed; probably didn’t like the idea of being the third wheel or friend zoned. Still had to dance with Ketchup, so I need a bath asap. Let’s leave.” – Oona

“About time. The cougars here are relentless. Almost chucked one out the window, but telling her mods couldn’t even fix that mug of hers seemed to do the trick.” – Othor “I don’t think mods could fix anything here. What a nightmare.” – Oona