misslexi

“So, explain to me again why we are heading to Riverwood of all places?” – Othor “We need a tracker, remember?” – Oona “Yeah, I remember. That doesn’t explain why we need one from that shithole. Even the ale there is trash. You’d think they made it with stagnant pond water.” – Othor

“That is where we will find a tracker recommended to me by some friends. Besides, last time you tracked for us, we walked right into a werewolf den.” – Oona “Don’t start that with me again! You know damn well that is where our meal went.” – Othor “A decent tracker would have noticed the werewolf tracks sooner.” – Oona “Maybe I did. Maybe I was hoping one of them would make you into a snack, so I’d be rid of that mouth of yours finally.” – Othor “Oh, sure you did…. I recall you sobbing, “Oona, baby sister! Are you alright!” – Oona “I wasn’t sobbing you…!” – Othor “You aren’t fooling me. Admit it, you didn’t notice them.” – Oona “Find your damn tracker, and shut the hell up already.” – Othor

“Well, I think that is our guy.” – Oona “Where? That scrawny runt over there that wouldn’t even make for a decent toothpick?” – Othor “Try to play nice, please.” – Oona

“Hi there, Ketchup! I’m Oona, Dragonborn, and destroyer of many things that are now very dead. I got word you are a tracker. My brother and I could use some…” – Oona “Listen, my name is Bishop. Whatever you are about to say, Princess, the answer is no, unless you help me out first. Got it? That’s how this game works, right?” – Ketchup

“It’s Oona. I get it though, names can be hard when you are a complete dumbass. So, I’d be willing to help, but you are going to need to explain it in a way that doesn’t make me punch you or piss off my brother.” – Oona

“A bit late for that; I was pissed before we got here. How about we find a nice fire to toss him in, and see how long this toothpick can keep it going? No doubt longer than he can last with a woman.” – Othor

“No, I can handle this, Othor.” – Oona “I’ll forget you called me a dumbass for a moment to say I need help finding my wolf, Karnwyr. Think you can handle that, Princess?” – Ketchup “Let me guess, Dumbass, it ran away from you.” – Oona “No, HE was taken from me!” – Ketchup “I bet. No way that charming lack of personality of yours chased him off.” – Oona “Cute, real cute.” – Ketchup

“Oona! Stop flirting, and let’s get going. I need to drown myself in this trash ale quick before I kill everything within a mile radius of here.” – Othor “Gross! Don’t even joke like that!” – Oona

*Awhile later* “For fuck’s sake, why did I let you talk me into actually helping him?” – Othor “I already told you, we are helping the dog, not him. That’s why I agreed.” – Oona “You and your bleeding heart for stupid animals. I swear I wonder how I’m related to you at times.” – Othor “Sure, Mr. tough guy. You love Lola as much as I do. You even took an arrow for her before.” – Oona “I’d take a thousand arrows over listening to this little prick whine about, “overgrown lizards,” ever again.” – Othor

“Well, his trail leads here. We’re close.” – Ketchup “Good, let’s get this over with already. You find your dumb mutt, and we’ll clear this place out.” – Othor

“He’s no mutt, he’s a pure-blooded wolf!” – Ketchup “I don’t give a shit!” – Othor “Quiet, both of you. We have company just ahead.” – Oona

NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME HERE!” – Soon to be fried bandit

“No, no, enough of that. Just hurry up and die already.” – Othor

“UGHGHHHH!” – Well done bandit

“There are more up ahead. Did Ketchup find the dog yet?” – Oona

“Fuck, that asshole found me… I mean… Woof!” – Karnwyr “Oh My Divines, he’s adorable!” – Oona “Oona, focus damnit!” – Othor

“No wonder this little prick needed our help. Haven’t seen him lift a finger since we got here. Wait, is he aiming his bow at his mutt!?” – Othor

“Ignore him, and just keep burning stuff!” – Oona

“There, everything is dead and the mutt is safe… I think. Can we pack up the loot and go?” – Othor

“Yeah, you ready, Ketchup?” – Oona “Who cares if he is or not. We’re leaving without him.” – Othor “We can’t leave without our tracker.” – Oona “You aren’t serious, he’s useless! You really need better friends. No real friend would suggest this guy to you.” – Othor “As a fighter, it is really sad to watch, but he was able to track his dog here at least. That’s what we need him for.” – Oona “You just want him to stick around for the mutt!” – Othor “No-no…”– Oona “Oona, you already have a dog!” – Othor

*On the road again* “It is great to have Karnwyr back. Did you miss me boy?” – Ketchup *Whimpering noises in disagreement* “Yeah, I missed you too, buddy.” – Ketchup

“Hey look, some Forsworn. Is this supposed to be an ambush?” – Oona “If so, this is the most pitiful attempt yet. We already have them surrounded.” – Othor “You are either brave or foolish to approach us without your weapon drawn. I am Ca-el, a chieftain of the Forsworn.” – Kale “And I should care why, Kale?” – Oona “It’s Ca-el.” – Kale “Okay, Kale.” – Oona

*Hours later of rambling* “By the nines… This guy is still talking. Is he a woman? I thought they’d be off fucking a hagraven or whatever weird shit Forsworn do by now.” – Othor “Is that a problem? You know, my sister planned to seduce a blonde Nord for us to kill. Perhaps if you are bored, we could entertain you with that.” – Kale “Try it, twerp.” – Othor “Don’t lump us with him. Not even women can talk this much, bro.” – Oona

“Sorry. I seem to have bored you. I thought ladies liked deep, emotional men that spilled out their heart in a sappy, pathetic manner.” – Kale

“Nope. No sane woman would be into that, and you are about as deep as my dog’s food bowl.” – Oona “Not a good comparison. She eats a lot.” – Othor “Then here, take this necklace as an apology. It is from my village, and carries a lot of sentimental value to me. However, hot chicks are my one weakness, so I want you to have it.” – Kale

“Wow… Thanks, Kale! I’ll be sure to sell it at the dankest, foulest tavern I can find.” – Oona “So, now we kill them?” – Othor “Now we kill them.” – Oona *Proceeds to shout forsworn bodies into the nearby river*

“Finally, a tavern! Now, let’s see how much this crappy necklace is worth.” – Oona “I can already tell you not enough.” – Othor “Hey look, Stenvar is still here. How’s it been going?” – Oona “Dragonborn, trust me. Get out of here while you can. They got a new bard, and he’s beyond awful. I’m pounding these drinks down, and getting the hell out.” – Stenvar “Oh, he couldn’t be as bad as that one Orc at Moorside Inn.” – Oona

“Hey, Sten. I’m gonna join you for that.” – Othor “Are you all mad!? You’re just gonna trust those OVERGROWN LIZZZZARRDS!” – Ketchup “Sure, but who’s that crazy bastard with you?” – Stenvar “The reason I’m joining you for drinks. I’m gonna run this place dry.” – Othor

“I guess this is the new bard. He looks…fancy.” – Oona *Proceeds to make a speech out of the Dragonborn song, and ends with cringe statements towards Oona*

“Why did I let curiosity get the best of me. I should have listened to Stenvar. I can’t hold it….”– Oona *Projectile vomits everywhere*

“My beautiful clothes! You ruined them and my magnificent song!” – Kayne “That wasn’t anything close to singing, and you ruined my appetite for the next year!” – Oona “How dare you! I have a voice gifted by the divines, and a lyrical genius!” – Kayne “More like a voice gifted by Sheogorath as a cruel and unusual joke! However, I’m not laughing!” – Oona “I expect you to come to my show, or I’m going to make you pay for my outfit, and sue you for emotional damage!” – Kayne “Damnit! I hate courts!” – Oona

“Oona, still puking, are ya?” – Othor

“Yep!” – Oona “Gah, don’t let that mutt eat it!” – Othor

If you are puking now, how do you expect to make through this show?” – Othor “I’ll deal with it. I’m not paying those ridiculous court fees, and he seems like a big enough bitch to actually go through with it.” – Oona

“Considering he ran out of the tavern crying, probably. He should feel lucky. Not just anyone walks away from a shout that nasty from my little sis.” – Othor “Go to Oblivion, Othor.” – Oona

“Ketchup, are you ready to get this show over with too?” – Oona “I can’t believe it. Everyone, and I mean everyone is conspiring to trust those OVERGROWN LIZZARRRDS!” – Ketchup “He’s still a basket case. Shocking…” – Oona

“Talos, Divines, help me survive. I’ll need all of your strength to make it through this.” – Oona “Sorry, kid. You’re on your own. None of us are sticking around to hear this crap. Pray to some other deity. Talos out!” – Talos “Damn, even the divines forsake me now. I’m really screwed.” – Oona

“No, I can do this without them. I’m the Dragonborn and I will defeat him just as I do every other enemy I face. At the end of the day, he’s just a pansy ass, boot licking scumbag.” – Oona “You’ve got this and I love you.” – Karnwyr

“Hello, peasants. I’m not going to bother thanking you all for showing up to watch my performance, totally not against anyone’s will at all. I’m mean, I’m so great, who wouldn’t want to be here? So, I’d rather hear you all say how much you are thankful to bear witness to my art.” – Kayne

“Eat a dick, you skeever twat.” – Oona

I’m here, because the scripts force me to. Quick, someone disable me!” – Random NPC 1 “BY THE NINE DIVINES!” – Random NPC 2 “STENDAR HAVE MERCY!” – Random NPC 3 “Ahem, I guess I will just get started.” – Kayne

*Pitchy, ungodly wailing from the depths of darkest regions of Coldharbour pierces the room like the sudden spawning of thousands of cliff racers* “HELP, HELP! MY EARS ARE BEING ATTACKED!” – Random NPC 4 “STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! YOU VIOLATED MY EAR DRUMS!” – Guard “DRAGONBORN! I LOVE YOU! ONLY YOU CAN SAVE MEEEEEEEE!!!!” – Kayne “What the actual fuck? Running bare ass naked through Oblivion wouldn’t be as horrifying as this shit. This evil needs to be destroyed, before the Thalmor weaponize him.” – Othor

“Finally, and good riddance. Really love what you did with his entrails, Othor. Looks lovely with all these tacky, bright red curtains.” – Oona “Ha! Maybe interior design is my calling, though Ulfric sure doesn’t seem to think so. Man, he can be such an overgrown baby. It was only a few pints of blood thrown everywhere.” – Othor

“Anything you want to add to that, Ketchup?” – Oona “OVERGROWN LIZZZARRRDS!!!!!!” – Ketchup “Yep, thought so.” – Oona